A Good Question

Is there no way out of the suffering that this life sometimes seems to be? Suffering is not what is happening to us, but how we see what is happening to us, writes Om Swami

Swamiji,” my father said to me the other day, “life has taught me that one must go through one’s journey alone.” He was a bit unsettled, even distraught, as he had recently fallen prey to a fraudulent phone call telling him that his bank card had been blocked. (Mis) leading him through a series of steps, the caller managed to extract his bank details and in just under two minutes, spent my parents’ entire one month’s pension on various websites.

The bank concluded that it was my father’s negligence that was behind this disaster, for he’d shared the transaction password with the caller. Understandably, the police couldn’t do much because the call was traced to another state in India.

In the larger scheme of things, it’s nothing: to lose one month’s worth of pension when you’ve been earning for more than four decades. But, as is the way of loss, it is rarely about the absolute nature of the loss itself or its magnitude, and more about how victimized we feel.

An unexpected, undesirable incident can catch even the wisest completely off guard. It took my father more than two weeks to come to terms with the fact that he was tricked.

My mother, on the other hand, was as cool as the winter breeze and didn’t so much as even blink at this monetary loss.

Two people under the same roof, bearing the same loss, are affected differently. What a beautiful and intriguing world we live in.  “I’ve seen,” Father added, recounting his difficult childhood, “that no one is there when you are suffering. Only your grit and God’s grace help a person sail through. No one else can help.”

I knew where he was coming from, because many people I meet feel utterly lonely when they are down. They are usually not alone, but even with all the help around, loneliness seems to seep in like water through cracks — cracks in our consciousness, and in our understanding of ourselves and our view of life.

That’s why the Buddha deemed right view of life as one of the most important elements of Self-realisation.

Krishna, too, repeatedly reminds Arjuna about the impermanent nature of everything and that one must navigate through the duality of life with courage.

Forget things, Krishna says, one day even all the people you love or hate won’t be in your life or you in theirs. So, what are you brooding over? Loss in and of life is not a question of if but when. Whatever we are attached to or hold dear in our hearts, losing it is only a matter of time. It is inevitable.

“Of course,” I said to my father, “no one can partake of our suffering. It’s a personal matter. Just like no one else will feel full if you have a hearty meal, or hungry, if you are deprived of one.”

 “However,” I continued, “they can share your loss, they can share your pain. You may not pass on the fulfilment of a good meal but you can share your food with them. Thereafter, whether they feel full or foul is up to them. And, that’s what suffering is: it is not what is happening to us, but how we see what is happening to us. It is not the actual situation but our interpretation of it that governs our feelings. Change the interpretation and feelings change on their own.”

You can’t change your feelings by just wanting to change them, no matter how desperate or strong-willed you may be. You need to find out what is evoking these emotions in you. Go to the source. It could be an incident or a set of incidents, certain people, and so on. Then ask yourself if you wish to feel differently. If so, begin with the assumption that nothing or no one else is going to change.

They are where they always have been; they are exactly where they are supposed to be.

Develop a broader view; distract yourself positively; look at the brighter side; practise loving-kindness towards yourself and others, and gradually, your perspective will begin to shift. When it does, everything else will shift with it.